Using my voice
The foundation was set. I knew I wanted to make this piece, but how? In what form could I offer this to an audience? I knew of myself, even with this newfound creativity, that I didn’t possess an output such as music, paintings, singing, or dancing. So, I felt kind of stuck.At the same time I had already begun recording a podcast with my father. This podcast was about the stories we shared with each other, about how we view the world, and to have a remembrance that goes deeper than just a picture. The beauty was our actual voices, having an argument, making fun or just challenging each other. The idea was that one day, when I or he aren’t here anymore, there is some record that could be played and that allowed you to go back to that moment.
Writing! I can write. The thing that I had been doing since young was writing. Putting all those scenarios that I observed, into a thought sequence or eventually a story. And next to that, I was already a fervent speaker. Ohh I love to talk. Talk, Talk, Talk. And be aware, I don’t mean chit chat, but really talking. Imagine gladiators fighting it out in a colosseum in battles for life and death. That is the intensity that I like to talk with,  as if everything is on the line. Sounds intense? I’m just getting started. To not further scare you off, you can also view it as passionate inquiries, gladiator-like. I can talk about literal things, abstract things, about what is plain but also hidden in sight. I like to talk about what goes on out there which we can’t fathom but also what goes on within. So I could write and speak about that. Is that creative, even artistic maybe? I had no clue, but my goal was set.
To write and speak openly about these passionate inquiries was pivotal in going beyond my insecurities. Because putting myself on display like that, putting my ideas, words and way of expressing out there… Wow, I went for it and I did it cold turkey. It made the process precious and childish. I chose not to write the whole story, but just to speak on a subject attached to a quote on the wall. That meant making a podcast of 21 short episodes. I got overwhelmed in some parts, went deep, or just fooled around. That is the part I call childish because I wasn’t really paying attention to details. How it would impact the whole, what it could portray about me as a ‘’maker’’ in this case. Since the idea was to put it out there right?! For the world to find. So enthusiasm is a great motivator but it needs to be guided by something that is a bit mature, that has a bit of oversight. We don’t want too much because we don’t want to kill the fun, but just enough. In the end, I reached my peak in 2021. I was creating, recording, editing, without experience, only with imagination. I had put out a series of thought stories, based on the quotes on the wall, and hoped that the word stories, or symphonies even, might touch a listener in some way.

A new voice
Two years later in 2023, in one of my meditative sessions I was told. “You have some unfinished work”. The title A Stone Base Story came to mind. I was slightly confused? Didn’t I agree that since it was the first try-out I wasn’t going to touch it again? I was yanked back and admonished to adjust the project. So a part of renewing myself is to listen and trust messages I receive. While I was listening I realized that it was the right decision to revisit the released product. It was, to my more matured ears, childish and I could pinpoint exactly where. And with certain chapters I would, with honed skills, showcase my growth and make a bigger impact. I thus rewrote the script and re-recorded all the sessions, both in English and in Dutch. So this second opportunity with a Stone Base Story provided a new interaction with insecurities that I want to shine some light on for you: So when you make something, it is the pinnacle of what you can do at that moment. To look back and blame or pull the rug on yourself is a sign of immaturity in my opinion. But, if you have the capacity, you can protect that precious pinnacle to add now what you hold or have achieved, without condoning your past. Are you up for that? Because to revisit that past means you need to confront it as a whole. Otherwise you are just making something ‘’new’’ in the now. Which is a totally different process. I felt that realizing that what I had made was a bit childish, was a way for me to sprout. So I will gladly help that previous person with making the product more mature, attentive to details that make it more accessible to the listener, but also to create more authenticity and spontaneity about what I want to relay. Why would I be hiding if I could do all that? Why would I dismiss my own starting point? To get in touch with those processes has been a treasure that I didn’t realize I could find. It is a whole different dimension of insecurity which has helped me to behold processes that convey within us as humans but maybe especially within us as creators. So this is me unveiling that for you as well.
This has helped me to find my voice. Throughout this podcast I speak words that aren’t mine, you know. They are not of me but they come through me. People will probably connect more so with certain chapters, rather than others. That is fine. People are free to connect as they see fit. It is about the journey. I think that is the beauty of going through this process, discovering my own artistic voice but also having the courage to put it out there and not to expect anything because the journey on its own for myself, man, it has been revealing. So even though the project has matured since 2021, there is still a bunch of stuff that I could have done differently. Luckily my life is not about ‘’could’’ anymore, it is about doing and it is about being. So with that being said, I hope that those who choose to listen to the podcast also experience this freedom of being.

5 Pillar Analysis
In order to take you along in this learning journey with me, I utilized the five guiding pillars or concepts to help clarify the process for you, but also for myself. The five pillars are guiding principles to assure that my work contributes to socially just knowledge production. These pillars include relationality, temporality, transformation, cost, and joy. 

5 Pillars

• Relationality refers to an understanding of the essential starting point of relations. Everything is based in relations. What role does relations play in the pursuit of the Stone Base Story?
• Temporality refers to the notion of spreading across time and space. What is the story, or legacy that has contributed to the point where we enter the story? How has the initial Stone Base Story expanded? How have I expanded?
• Transformation refers to the need to be open to be transformed and not just informed. To what extent have I been transformed by working on the Stone Base Story a first and a second time? How can the Stone Base Story contribute to transformation for the audience?
• Cost relates to the price and sacrifices that have been made to create the Stone Base Story. What was the cost in time, energy, emotion, resources? What have we learned about the sacrifices that are necessary in this creative process?
• Joy, lastly refers to the appreciation of joy, hope, and preciousness that are inherently present or worth acknowledging.

• Relationality: Relationality forced me to take a closer look at the relationship I have with my earlier self as I went from the first to the second creation of A Stone Base Story podcast. Within this pillar it was clear that the relation to my previous self was under heavy suspicion. All the time I am accumulating human stories, behaviors and interactions, but where does that leave me from day to day? Do I then always despise my yesterdays a bit? But weren’t they the building blocks for what I know in the present? In some ways my past offered me gateways, hints of where to keep looking because something can still be found there. It is not something to overlook and discard. Within this process I healed a lot of suffering that I was holding towards some past versions of myself. I couldn’t acknowledge them at the time, because I felt that they stood in the way of my now creative development. So I felt like ‘’if you weren’t there, I could have started with this sooner, And I would be further than I am now’’. But as I progressed and healed, my relationship with myself became more loving and less antagonistic.
• Temporality: In reflection I believe that I have expanded, or at least have gotten a greater sense of connection with something larger than me. I was not raised with a distinct focus on cognitive capabilities. I had, as you could say, freedom to explore what suited me best. As a youth growing up in three different social domains this was very difficult. Because it was kind of clear which emphasis resulted in what. And my surroundings were definitely not creative. That doesn’t mean that the cognitive ones who ‘’looked’’ pretty capable had something that I could admire, nothing of that. They looked just as compromised. But what then? How could I give myself permission to be totally free in my creativity? During the first recording of a Stone Base Story, I got more and more in touch with my intuition, that freedom to explore got me in contact with hidden parts of myself. It has given me confidence in utilizing my voice. But it has also given me confidence in listening to that guiding voice, which led me to the creation of the second Stone Base Story.
• Transformation: So making all this text available for an audience, how  will that possibly impact them? Can it contribute to a transformation of some sort? Can they get some healing out of it, just like I received some healing? I already mentioned the words are not mine but come through me. Not only that, this journey started with the interwoven quotes on the wall.  It started with the words from people and then words came through me to add to the story. In my journey until now, what mostly stood out is how people respond to situations as opposed to just words. So what did that tell me? Words require something different, a different attentiveness than a situation triggers. Words have the power to change the energy in a room. The way how something is expressed matters! The intonation matters way more than the subject or substance  by itself, and we are not totally incorporating that in our way of interacting. So I had to tap into that. And being submerged into that makes it easier to not speak from the outside to the audience, but actually manifest as their own voice from within that I support and stimulate.
• Cost: Well.. where should I start? With the hours? Mood? Rhythm? Social interactions. haha. What I’ve noticed is that submerging myself takes me away from the outside world, at least for a short time. When you do a passionate inquiry it can be very hard to relate to those who don’t get it, to those who dismiss its necessity. As a result, I show up less and less. That makes it harder to relate or to have these stories echo the things that we are all connected with. So some of the cost is to keep myself present in situations with people I don’t generally feel a connection with. That in its own way takes his toll. I keep smiling, when actually I just want to be a fly on the wall. Also, since this endeavor was so new and not created for the purpose of earning money, spending so much time on this sometimes felt like time that could’ve been spent on ‘’work’’. There was definitely some guilt. Luckily I considered this journey a treasure in itself but going further the question of where and how this will resonate with an audience raises the question if financial comfortability shouldn’t be part of the package as well.
• Joy: Maybe for some, listening to the words can seem shocking, provoking or even demeaning. I can’t argue that. But, in my experience the patterns that we are fused with, that we have given our loyalty to but don’t really work for us, need exactly that to create space. Space to once again feel a fresh breeze, joy and so much more. If that is not a treasure, then I can’t fathom what else can give me all this joy to keep shocking, provoking and confronting. They are stepping stones in a journey to transcend. And that is why I choose to utilize them along with the power of my voice within my stories.

Lessons to take away
Looking back to the beginning of this all, I am happy with the way it went. I feel that getting in touch with creativity should stay scary. I have been lucky with endless curiosity so I dared to go on this route. It’s not like the floodgates have opened, but I can tap into the space to get in touch with my creativity more freely. There is no strain anymore which is also a direct result of allowing myself to include me in my passion. See, passion and definitely a passionate inquiry tends to focus on something outside of yourself. You have a passion ‘’for’’ something. You inquire to ‘’someone’’. But where does that leave yourself? Always pursuing. I managed to find out that I can include myself with passion and inquiry. You could call it accessing self love without becoming passive. The love to be able to experience this passion, go in depth with it and use it to showcase myself in the great wide open. As I am writing this how sensitive I could be as a child to vibrations of voice. May it be movies, musicians or public speakers. I could do without an image. Just the voice, so I could sense where it resonated in my body and why my body responded with whatever emotion. I got thrilled, scared, excited and didn’t, then, notice how my own voice could achieve the same in other people. I was never told, or at least you know, only by people who you take for granted. Sigh.. I know, cliché ain’t it? Lucky for you as well as for me, this time I received the message. Combining my voice with the discovery of my creative process, which has been healing for me, can also be healing for others. Because it translate’s a universality that resides within you, me, and probably how existence started to begin with.

‘’And the words, there shall be light were spoken’’.

By Camiël Kesser